Indecisive Morality

normal text version:

In 2019, my last year of high school, I was in the office of the then Vice Principal. I was the co-President of the school, with the feared Board Exams looming over me. I wasn't a very confident person, socially, back then. The Vice Principal, in her very calm slowed down tone, told me I am confused about who I am, and that in my mind, I should have a cleaner idea of what my goals and conversations are working towards. Essentially: not that I am indecisive, but that I am disoriented.

I will say, this conversation was confusing me. I wasn't confident but confidence is no where synonymous to being foggy about myself. I was quite confident in doing very well in our final Board Exams -- I had no doubt that I would. But it was them who grouped me in the bracket that won't do too well. I was a little disappointed about it, sure, but I didn't give it more than 30 minutes of my thoughts because I knew I would do well. I was right, they were wrong: I ended up scoring more than anyone else that year. Even in the plane of uncertainty they placed me in, I believed myself more than what multiple teachers believed about me.

Somewhere in 2017-18, the it couple of our school brought the school a great amount of bad publicity. I am being insensitive in my language here to reflect the pane my school looked at this tragedy through. The boy killed the girl in one of the city's rocky areas. He was caught. It caused a lot of heated opinions and city-wide sparks, there was victim-blaming which didn't surprise me. Newspaper/news coverage of her parties and relationships was all out there for the public to base and support their judgments on. We as students were subjected to a ton of policing by the school.

They were running a school, she was the Vice Principal. They should have a better judgment call. I had been hiding my dad's alcoholism and our less-than-lower classes income, and I had seen my dad have a brain stroke and the months of recovery time. Given all this, I will extend myself an oceans large amount of leeway because I was learning what to do socially, how to do it. As a school, they should know better and they should have had a little more of an empathetic way of thinking: what if the student's circumstances are such? are they really confused about themselves? something else going on? Even I, in my very early stages of teaching, have a better sense of when to communicate what, and ask myself why, with my students.

Our school went into Public Reputation Defense mode. Hardcore. They wanted to, first of all, make sure to let the public and everyone know that they didn't have a role to play in her learning 'bad behaviors'. They wanted us students to delete all social media accounts, everything. [I did not]. They did not want to publicly [or privately?] help the victim's family, and wanted it all [for their sake] to go away.

Mahatma Gandhi is well known for his morals. Satyagraha, Ahimsa, Sarvodaya. Regardless of whether he decided to stand on his moral ground is irrelevant -- he wanted others to know these are the things he preaches for. It will look like I am sitting on a bit of a high horse if I come out here and say he is not worthy of the respect we ascribe him so I will say he is not worthy of all the respect we ascribe him.

Every time I read Arundhati Roy's introduction to Annihilation of Caste, titled The Doctor and The Saint [also available separately], I am stumped at how ridiculously and often Gandhi switched his position on something. And how, despite his questionable political [and frankly,] personal habits, he was able to look more than just. Perhaps, because of his various opposing positions he was able to garner the respect he has/d.

Every year at a festivity, my school made us all list out our 'bad habits' and burn it in a fire pit they built in school for this occasion. If I ever sat down for a journalistic interview with them, I would ask them about the kinds of bad habits the school must or would burn in rituals like that. The 'bad habits' thing was huge, and I remember throwing a folded piece of clean A4 sheet in the pit.

My school was also a huge lover of Gandhi.

All those books Gandhi authored, all those speeches he gave, all those letters he sent. Roy writes, "Gandhi was not trying to overwhelm or destroy a ruling structure; he simply wanted to be friends with it" [61]. "A" ruling structure is doing a lot of heavy lifting here: be it caste, racism, or even showing submission to the British rule, he aligned himself with whatever will garner respect. He went for and against all of these, he acted for and against all of these. He personally worked hard for, first, begging the colonizers to let Indians help them, and then organized and recruited Indian soldiers for the Boer and Zulu Wars. He felt that Indians should feel it their duty to fight for the British Empire. Then, in World War I, he encouraged Indian men to join the British Indian Army.

Caste theorists [Ambedkar, Roy, Gopal Guru, Sundar Sarukkai, Anand Teltumbde, and more] repeatedly underline how caste system keeps gaining momentum because there's always a group that's more oppressed, farther down the social ladder of oppression: each group is disadvantaged relative to those above it but still holds status over the groups below it. Ambedkar used the term 'graded inequality': relative privilege stabilizes the system, it ensures fragmentation and thus non-solidarity; the caste system reproduces itself because nearly every rung on the ladder can look down at another.

Gandhi placed Black Africans below Indians in the hierarchy of allowance-of-discrimination in South Africa, calling them 'savages' and largely ignoring [or being disdainful] about Black rights while speaking for rights of Indians. He believed caste does a good enough job at placing duties among Indians [believing in the Varna system], but at the same time thought it evil that it is ranked. How can a group thrusted with the responsibility of shit cleaning with bare hands ever be the same as people working in a nice office in South Delhi? He provided no answers. His view of social reform somehow also meant reinforcing systems of oppression.

My school had an insanely large event planned for every Gandhi Jayanti that the students would practice for, for months. Photos and illustrations of Gandhi sprinkled on campus, little totes and more. We were educated on how his values are something we should aspire to reach and live by. Did he live by them? When he sent Indian soldiers to fight for the British rule, was it practicing non-violence? Peace through conversations? We were, of course, not given an objective view of Gandhi's history and life. All that I learned about him was after I left the school.

The school celebrated Indian festivals while also teaching us of their histories, and none of the Islam ones. We weren't even educated about it. Yet, they strived for equality and character building. Last I visited one of their newer campuses, I was greeted with an Indian goddess idol right at the entrance. Is it placed there to let students know what groups the school respects the most?

It is okay, or even better, to be confused and disoriented about oneself, figuring your way through life, at the age of 17 or 18. If you are still the same way when you have enormous power over people – politically or educationally – it is worse than problematic. It is harmful. I do believe I learned the right lessons from my school and Gandhi. So through this piece, I extend my gratitude.